The last date in a month that didn't feel like it was gonna end

So today is my anniversary of being given the cancer 'all clear'.

Im sure you agree a significant day in anyone's calendar. If your reading this then you know that this year, this month has been tough.  In fairness mostly work related pressures and stress

I'm not sure if it's because of this but today is another day of weird mixed emotions.

I am obviously thankful every day that while intense my journey/battle was quick. From diagnosis to operation to 'all clear' was only a few short months.

However, here also lies the challenge and I think the reason for the mixed emotions.

I want to add this isnt feeling im just having just this year (as I have said this before just I am unsure if it's been in a blog?)

I feel like I have 'cheated' cancer. I bet you just read that and thought WTF!?!?

What I mean is due to my 'lucky' diagnosis I did not have to deal with chemo or radio therapy.  I don't recall the specifics of when I was diagnosed. That day is full of disorganised flash backs that are hard to piece together. But I do recall after having my operation date I went to the hairdressers and had my head shaved.

A knee jerk reaction to a stereotypical assumption that because I had cancer I'd need chemo and loose my hear anyway.

For those of us that have had no experience with the Big C, we are almost conditioned to hear that word and visualise an image of someone in a hospital bed, grey with no hair surrounded by bleeping machines.  Well let me break that stereotype now. That is often far from the case!

I now know people that have undergone treatment or are undergoing it as we speak that are far from this stereotype!

Anyway...even after all these years being fitter, healthier and checked on a regular basis I still have that nagging feeling.

Did they miss something?
Has it laid dormant? 
Will it come back?
Has it come back?
On days where I have 'flare ups' these thoughts become louder.

So yes....today is a day I am eternally humbled for. That I needed no further treatment, that my real recovery could begin.

Then someone (sorry can't recall who so if you are reading this and it was you..thanks and sorry )

Why should I feel like I cheated cancer just because I didn't have chemo? Chemo has a treatment schedule. It has a start and a finish date. Hopefully resulting in terms same result. You are given the all clear.

Instead of chemo being my cure...my ostomy operation was. 

Except that rather than a 'course' start and end date. This cure would be with me forever. A daily reminder of that day.

That's not staying a stoma is better or worse or that people who have chemo treatment are more or less fortunate.  It's just an observation about how silly it is that I feel like I cheated cancer by not having these stereotypical treatments.

My stoma was my cure. It's because of it that I am able to celebrate this day. It's because of my stoma I am fitter stronger and happier than ever.

So today is a day to not only celebrate my all cancer 'all clear'.... but also to be grateful for my stoma.

This piece of me that I continue to have a Love Hate relationship with.  The good news is as the years tick by the relationship is more Love than hate.