So as per my last post the end of 2016 has been full of challenges. The most recent being gall stones!
Being me nothing is simple. As if gall stones were not enough of a problem. One of them had moved outside the gall bladder and became blocked in a bile duct. This stopped my liver from functioning properly...I promptly turned yellow. My liver dumping toxins into my blood. It wasn't great!
I don't know enough about gall stones what causes them or to bore you with the details of my pending gall bladder removal. One side effect of this most recent health 'blip' was an unexpected one.
During the weeks, months and years that followed my diagnosis with cancer one thing that I struggled with in the darker nights was the loss of trust in my own body.
In life we learn at an early age that rust is something that must be earned, but that it can also be lost as quickly. We expect to lose trust in things even people. However the one thing that we do not expect is to lose trust in ourselves. To lose trust in our own bodies. If we can't trust ourselves who can we trust?
My recent admission to hosital reignited these feelings. I have once again lost trust in my body. If you have never experienced this feeling then I bet you are reading this thinking I am just being dramatic....I don't know maybe I am? Regardless this is how I feel.
I feel like once again my body has let me down. As I thought about writing this blog I thought I would have more to say...seems I am struggling.
When I went for my checkups even months after my all clear...I still felt.what if? What if they missed something. Stupidly these thoughts have come flooding back.
It's been confirmed I have gall stones, I mean they have even removed one. Yet I am sat here thinking...what if.....what if during this fairly routine procedure, something happens? Something more sinister is found.
Fear isn't based on logic and neither is this thought. I logically know this. Yet there it is. This is probably exaggerated by my anxiety. It's been tough. My armour is once again being tested.
Strangely these blogs have always helped. Helped getting some of this randomness out of my head. Perhaps the fact I haven't kept up with them also has its part to play.
Who knows, but I think this is the catalyst to start blogging again.....silver lining perhaps? This blog has opened more doors and allowed me to meet some very special people. Perhaps it is what has been missing?
Time to rectify that....you have been warned!
