A lose of trust

So as per my last post the end of 2016 has been full of challenges. The most recent being gall stones!

Being me nothing is simple. As if gall stones were not enough of a problem. One of them had moved outside the gall bladder and became blocked in a bile duct. This stopped my liver from functioning properly...I promptly turned yellow. My liver dumping toxins into my blood. It wasn't great!

I don't know enough about gall stones what causes them or to bore you with the details of my pending gall bladder removal. One side effect of this most recent health 'blip' was an unexpected one.

During the weeks, months and years that followed my diagnosis with cancer one thing that I struggled with in the darker nights was the loss of trust in my own body.

In life we learn at an early age that rust is something that must be earned, but that it can also be lost as quickly. We expect to lose trust in things even people.  However the one thing that we do not expect is to lose trust in ourselves. To lose trust in our own bodies. If we can't trust ourselves who can we trust?

My recent admission to hosital reignited these feelings. I have once again lost trust in my body. If you have never experienced this feeling then I bet you are reading this thinking I am just being dramatic....I don't know maybe I am? Regardless this is how I feel. 

I feel like once again my body has let me down. As I thought about writing this blog I thought I would have more to say...seems I am struggling.

When I went for my checkups even months after my all clear...I still felt.what if? What if they missed something. Stupidly these thoughts have come flooding back.

It's been confirmed I have gall stones, I mean they have even removed one. Yet I am sat here thinking...what if.....what if during this fairly routine procedure,  something happens?  Something more sinister is found.

Fear isn't based on logic and neither is this thought.  I logically know this. Yet there it is.  This is probably exaggerated by my anxiety. It's been tough. My armour is once again being tested.

Strangely these blogs have always helped. Helped getting some of this randomness out of my head.  Perhaps the fact I haven't kept up with them also has its part to play.

Who knows, but I think this is the catalyst to start blogging again.....silver lining perhaps? This blog has opened more doors and allowed me to meet some very special people. Perhaps it is what has been missing?

Time to rectify that....you have been warned!

2016 a challenging year

So here it is a looong overdue mudbagrunner blog post!

I'd usually make excuses that life has been too busy, that I haven't had time to blog.  In this instance that would be horse shit!

The reason I haven't blogged is far more pathetic. When I started writing these blogs I promised myself they would not be moaning or covered in self pity.  So the reason I haven't blogged is because I haven't been in the right head space.  I won't lie. I've written posts. But posts that will NEVER be shared. Never be posted. Tbh I have just deleted them. This blog is not written to be read and pity the writter.

But let's be realistic.....2016, hasn't been easy. The year started with alot of challenges, work, life you name it. Even my Cancerversary & stomaversary seemed tougher this year? Again so many things happened inthe early parts of this year, many that will probably never share.

All the positives that ended 2015 on a high seemed to be washed away. Was that it? Did I over achieve in 2015? Is this the cosmos trying to realign? I'd like to think so. But..I think shit just happens!

Things continued to get darker. I couldn't handle life. Pressures at work became too much. I tried to do what I do best. I tried to deal with it myself. Be the superheroes I idolise. This time I couldn't. I began to spiral further. I reached a point where I hit rock bottom. I didn't recognise who or like who I saw in the mirror. I became a split person. I had two sides. The front I put on for the world and the mess I was in my own head. Like some weird Batman villain...2 face except not good nd evil. More happy and sad? *always a geek though :)

My issue...my saviour. My armour.  Something I relied on in my tougher times was actually working against me. I looked like everything was ok. I needed someone to see through that armour of mine, someone to see I was struggling. Seems my armour was too good.

Things got worse, I broke a front tooth, I knew my teeth were bad, but I knew this was worse. As feared no way to cap. My first denture. My depression deepened. Work reamained busy, pressure increased, life got tougher.

Then it happened....I broke!  Physically, mentally, entirely. I began having panic attacks, pains, difficulty breathing. I'd never really understood mental health. I'd always sucked it up and got on with it. I was empty, I had no way to move forward. I crashed completely, physically, mentally entirely!

It's taken me a lost the entire year for this decent to happen. I'm not out of the darkness yet. Hitting a new rock bottom meant i looked for help. This came in many forms. The most powerful of which was admitting I needed help. I'd been in denial admitting defeat was tough.  The toughest thing i think ive ever done.

Things had become that bad I needed professional help. Councelling and medication. I've always tried to avoid relying on medication. It took me some time but the medication helped. It gave me capacity to deal with normal life pressures. I'd become so incapable of dealing with even the smallest issues at this stage.

So here I am you'd think even without sharing all that really happened things couldn't get worse. Seems my body had been affected in more ways than I knew. I'd developed gall stones. The fatigue and pains probably were more than I'd realised?

The rest is another blog. Bile duct blockage, risk of liver failure, hospitalisation and the news another piece of me needs to be removed. This saga however continues. I could write a book on this!

So here it is my first blog for some time. Here it is and I am breaking one of my personal blogging rules. Right now I can't finish on a high. There isn't any clever way I'm going to finish this post. And you know what, that's fine. Life doesn't always fall into the perfect blog. Doesn't always fish with a positive. Like life, this blog isn't quite finished yet.

Hey,who knew! Pulled a semi positive finish out of the bag anyway!

Think of them less as seflies...more as alonies

So those of you that know me know that on social media I post a few pics.  Many of these are selfies.  It’s a bit of a standing joke amongst many of my friends that if I haven’t posted one in a few days I must be ill.

As per my last blog things have been a bit tough lately.  Its during a similar conversation that I decided maybe it was time to write this blog.  Not justifying anything, as ultimately I do what I want.  I am not dictated by the expectation of others.  Especially on social media. Its my page. Ill moan rant or post as many selfies as I like.  If they do not like them….delete me.  You have a choice!

Anyway slightly off topic. So why so many selfies?

Many of you I did not have the pleasure of meeting till after my surgery, after my recovery.  For those that didn’t before 2007 I was approx. 9st.  I always looked ill (I can see that now though couldn’t at the time) and ultimately I didn’t like the way I looked.

The mid 20’s version of me was not happy with the way he looked.  I was pale, black rings around my eyes and skinny.  I was rarely happy with my appearance.

Hard to believe with the amount of pics I post now huh?

Well that is exactly my point!  Apart from the usual exceptions I believe that many people post pictures of themselves or take selfies as at one point in their life they have not been happy with how they look.  Whether that’s due to illness, weight loss/gain or another factor.

The reason I post selfies is I remember these times…vividly.  And when I see a picture of myself from a race or feel particularly good in what I am wearing I post a selfie.  A quiet nod to myself that no matter how I felt in the past that is the past.

During the first few years after my operation this was still the case.  I look back at pictures from 2008 and beyond and all I see if my bag.  I’m not going to lie I often look at recent pictures and instinctively I look to see if my bag is visible.

Even now when I see some pictures if I am in a half empty mood I still don’t like the way I look.  My missing tooth or receding hair line often the cause.

Please do not misread read this blog as an excuse or a cry for pity.  It isn’t.  What is it then?  Just an insight into my life, into me.  After all this is why I started writing these blogs in the first place.

So next time you see someone post a selfie perhaps think that maybe this isn’t there ego that prompted this post but perhaps just a flashback to times when they weren’t so happy about the way they looked.

So there you go. Next time you see someone post a selfie....maybe look at it in a different perspective?

The last date in a month that didn't feel like it was gonna end

So today is my anniversary of being given the cancer 'all clear'.

Im sure you agree a significant day in anyone's calendar. If your reading this then you know that this year, this month has been tough.  In fairness mostly work related pressures and stress

I'm not sure if it's because of this but today is another day of weird mixed emotions.

I am obviously thankful every day that while intense my journey/battle was quick. From diagnosis to operation to 'all clear' was only a few short months.

However, here also lies the challenge and I think the reason for the mixed emotions.

I want to add this isnt feeling im just having just this year (as I have said this before just I am unsure if it's been in a blog?)

I feel like I have 'cheated' cancer. I bet you just read that and thought WTF!?!?

What I mean is due to my 'lucky' diagnosis I did not have to deal with chemo or radio therapy.  I don't recall the specifics of when I was diagnosed. That day is full of disorganised flash backs that are hard to piece together. But I do recall after having my operation date I went to the hairdressers and had my head shaved.

A knee jerk reaction to a stereotypical assumption that because I had cancer I'd need chemo and loose my hear anyway.

For those of us that have had no experience with the Big C, we are almost conditioned to hear that word and visualise an image of someone in a hospital bed, grey with no hair surrounded by bleeping machines.  Well let me break that stereotype now. That is often far from the case!

I now know people that have undergone treatment or are undergoing it as we speak that are far from this stereotype!

Anyway...even after all these years being fitter, healthier and checked on a regular basis I still have that nagging feeling.

Did they miss something?
Has it laid dormant? 
Will it come back?
Has it come back?
On days where I have 'flare ups' these thoughts become louder.

So yes....today is a day I am eternally humbled for. That I needed no further treatment, that my real recovery could begin.

Then someone (sorry can't recall who so if you are reading this and it was you..thanks and sorry )

Why should I feel like I cheated cancer just because I didn't have chemo? Chemo has a treatment schedule. It has a start and a finish date. Hopefully resulting in terms same result. You are given the all clear.

Instead of chemo being my cure...my ostomy operation was. 

Except that rather than a 'course' start and end date. This cure would be with me forever. A daily reminder of that day.

That's not staying a stoma is better or worse or that people who have chemo treatment are more or less fortunate.  It's just an observation about how silly it is that I feel like I cheated cancer by not having these stereotypical treatments.

My stoma was my cure. It's because of it that I am able to celebrate this day. It's because of my stoma I am fitter stronger and happier than ever.

So today is a day to not only celebrate my all cancer 'all clear'.... but also to be grateful for my stoma.

This piece of me that I continue to have a Love Hate relationship with.  The good news is as the years tick by the relationship is more Love than hate.

Do not underestimate stress and anxiety

So...what a week.

I can honestly say I'm glad it's over!

It's been a week of EXTREME highs and lows. My stomaversary being mid week almost symbolised the hump of this roller coaster week.

Today was the lowest for some time. I was already stressed at work....I mean really stressed. Some small incident sent me into a downwards spiral of self pity, doubt and anxiety.

For those who have never experienced this type of emotional overload...I'll try and explain.

It's like your logical/sensible part of you, you know that little voice of reason, that voice that tells you to chill, stop being a feckin idiot...well he is locked away.  Instead our irrational emotions take control

You start to feel and think things that normally you wouldn't.  Overanalysing everything. Ever comment made or not made. Unfortunately always with a negative spin. So begins the vicious cycle.

When feeling like this...no matter what someone tells you....you don't believe it. It's like all logic is ignored.

Seriously you can almost hear your little rational voice trying to tell you to think, chill out...man the fuck up your making things worse! But your irrational anxiety is just louder, drowning out all the filters that normally stop you going off the deep end!

It makes you do and say things to people, people that you care for, people you love that you normally wouldn't.  Seriously it's like you become a completely different person.  Even though people are trying to reassure you, you don't listen...even if what they are saying makes perfect sense.

Fortunately along my journey I've developed some tricks (where my love of Neuro Linguistic Programming  'NLP' began) to try and get me back to a level....sensible self. Today I just struggled a bit more than normal. Unfortunately it meant I was 'irrational' for longer than I should of been today.

I have no excuses for my actions today....for the way I reacted. In fact I'm a bit embarrassed by it. I hate getting emotional when I have no real reason.

Don't misunderstand me....I'm actually kinda proud that I'm not a completely heartless bastard. I'm a heart on my sleeve kinda guy. I mean cumon you've hopefully read some of my blogs. I call it as I see and feel it. 

However, what this means is that when I have a 'blip' it's usually a bad one. Today was.

Now my rational voice has taken over I feel like a complete goon! I almost take a step backwards worrying about how I'd felt earlier in the day.

I wish it didn't but I have had plenty of these days. Work stress was definately the trigger. Trouble is I seem to deflect in other areas to the cause of the stress.

Part of the battle is being aware....part of the trouble in being me is....I'm a softie. I care, I worry. I'm probably too nice?

Probably care more than I should about things that I shouldn't. So after I've had an episode I beat myself up on how I acted. How I may of upset people around me, those I care for. I'm also a worrier....Apparently I get that from my mum 😉 xx

But hey...noone is perfect....Let's say it's my one flaw 😂😂😂
*that's a joke btw

Just another Stomaversary??

So today is my stomaverary.  9 years ago today I was being admitted to hospital diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks before.

I under sell what this operation was as it sounds a bit dramatic calling it life saving...but I guess it was.  Having my Ostomy created meant removing the cancer and also the rest of my infected bowel so the risk of cancer returning were massively reduced.

As I am sure I have mentioned before for me dealing with having a stoma was alot harder then dealing with the fact I had cancer.  Weird right?!?

I guess this is because I was aware of what 'Cancer' was before I was diagnosed.  Cancer awareness is everywhere in mainstream society.  Most of us have an expectation of the treatment we would require and how it could/would effect our lives.  Ostomy awareness however, is not as main stream.  It why I started writting this blog in the first place.

Today is therefore a day of mixed emotions.  It isn't a day to be sad it should be a day to be celebrated.  However, today feels different to the other stomaversaries.  Every day for the last 9 years I have had to deal with my stoma.  A constant reminder of that day 9 years ago.  A constant reminder of  the 'what if's'

Today I feel a bit more emotional. (no shock for those that know me, I am a heart on their sleeve kinda guy)

Most days I just deal with it.  Over the last 9 years it has become a LOVE/HATE relationship.  

This year however has been a year of a bit more Love.  It has continued to push me as an individual.  It has allowed me to meet SO many cool (and weird) people.  Without that cross road in my life 9 years ago would I be the person I am today?

See  'What ifs'...mind f##ks right :)

Anyway like I said today feels different. I couldn't work out why.  Then as I began typing this blog I realized.  Its because this year 2015/16 my Ostomy has continued to give me so much but this year it has also given me the opportunity to give SO much back.

If it wasn't for my Ostomy I wouldn't be a patient advocate for Convatec.  I wouldn't be writing this blog.  I wouldn't be getting so many message from so many people claiming that my story inspires them to stay positive in their own journeys.


Or could it be that today's date is a cosmic one?

16.03.16 

 spooky right!

Regardless of the reason today feels different my hope is:
On one of the most significant days of my life it will help to show others that may be at the beginning of their journey that things CAN and DO get better.

A Facebook update I just needed to add as a blog post

Looking at my diary for next week. Just seeing what life holds in store...then it hits home it my stomaversary next week.

For me the MOST significant date in my life. More significant than when I was diagnosed with Cancer.

Next week it will be 9 years ago that my life changed forever.

Hard to explain to people that coming to terms with having cancer was infinitely easier than dealing with the changes this bag has made to my life.

Would I change it..HELL NO!

This insignificant appliance has changed my life in so many ways I can't even begin to explain. It continues to shape and change my life in ways I never thought possible.

Does it make how I am feeling right now any easier?
No!
Overthinking is just what I do...who I am. My bag hasn't changed that.. it's probably just made it worse.

I'm not one to dwell in the past. To think about the 'what ifs'
But at this time of year.....Fuck me it's tough xx

How one extra pebble stopped my journey

So let me start this blog by saying..I'm a fucking idiot.  Its rare I write these blogs when I am in a bad place.  Well....atm its not the greatest place to be.

I know it looks like I have my shit all sorted. My life on track, I know who I am and what I am doing...but not always.

 

Work stress has been mad, my health has not been the best, I am recovering from an injury.... life is just complicated.

I'm sure I've mentioned my Armour before...usually it's good. And I mean really good. I can take the daily hits and roll with the punches better than most.  I pretend to know who I am and where I'm going. 

BUT...even the best Armour has weak spots.

Let me try and put it another way....

We all carry a back pack. This back pack is full of life's everyday stresses & challenges. These manifest as a combination of rocks and stones. Most of the time we are able to carry this rucksack fairly comfortably.  We even have room for the odd daily unexpected ones. 

We become conditioned in everyday life to subconsciously either remove a pebble to squeeze a stone in or just not to bother carrying that pebble with us.  Life is constantly reshaping or re-prioritizing pebbles.

However, there are occasions where we just get handed way too and pebbles and even a giant rock that we need to carry.  

Our rucksacks become overloaded.  We struggle. The weight of the world literally on our shoulders.  Holding us back so we are unable to take a step forward.  In extreme cases this rucksack breaks...all the stones and pebbles come tumbling out and we have no idea where to start getting them back into our rucksack.  How to get back on track

 

Let me stop right here and say this is an unusual blog....normally I write these in one sitting. I read once, then publish.  It is rare that I will start writing a blog, stop and then come back to finish it off  few weeks later.  Well with this is one of those rare blogs.

My rucksack was overflowing.  The weight had become too much and I could not see a way to prioritize.  I began to make every pebble a boulder. I added pebbles that didn't even need to be there.  Pebbles that didn't even exist!

That was until a few weeks ago.  I basically reached a point where I said 'Fuck it!'  Life is too short for this.  I've been through too much to let this be the point I implode.  So I dumped my rucksack.  I threw all my toys out of my pram.  I prioritized everything.  

WHAT really is important in my life.  

WHO really is important in my life. 

I began to care less about what people thought of me and more about what I thought of myself.  I became who I wanted to be.  Not what the Armour had made me.

Ironically this 'Fuck it' moment was just what I needed.  My Armour is once again back, better than ever.  My unknown weak spot repaired (well I'm aware of it anyway)  My rucksack is back.  The boulders have become pebbles, some of the pebbles have been left behind.  I'm back moving forward, I know who I am, where I want to be and WHAT I want to be doing again.  Life is back on track.

Anyway...hopefully my random references to rucksacks, pebbles and stones are not too obscure and you kinda know what I am talking about?

Although, to be honest I hope you don't.  I'm assuming the people that will get this metaphor are those that struggle with their own rucksacks.  Have their own daily pebble challenges.

If you do then don't let your rucksack weigh you down.  You OWN it, you control what goes into it.  The pebbles do not control you. x

Silver Linings

Some of you who have been following my blog may remember an older blog where I was discussing the things that having an Ostomy had given and taken away from me.

In a light hearted moment I mentioned how the one random thing I actually miss is farting.  Yes, its still true.  It’s a fact you really do not know what you have got till its gone!

My last blog post was written whilst sat in a hospital waiting room.  I was due my annual endoscopy check and biopsies.  Im afraid the procedure did not go well and due to some nasty inflammation from the Ulcerative Colitis in my rectal stump was not completed.  

I won’t lie I had a tough few days after this.  The last time it had flared up this bad was 9 years ago when I was told I had bowel cancer and need an operation.  I know it sounds a bit dramatic as I am fitter and healthier than ever…but that’s what I felt.

Anyway, I was given some lovely new foam suppositories to take over the next month to control the flare up and allow the endoscopy to be rebooked.  Im not sure if I have actually said this before, I think I have but im not 100%. Well, after having bowel cancer and an Ostomy your bashfulness disappears.  I mean cumon, if you got a group of Optimists in a room together we could talk all day about bodily functions and ultimately……shit! Lol

When writing some of these blogs I often have to edit them as I worry about being too blunt.  Well sorry, in this one the filters are being turned off!

The new meds….they aren’t pleasant.  They are a can of compressed air and foam designed to get the medication as far up into a ‘normal persons’ bowel as possible.  Id assume a good foot or so?  Well I’m not normal…I only have about 6-8inches of stump left…..can you see where I am going with this yet?

The medication and air therefore used is a bit excessive for a track of my length, it does make using them even more of a challenge!

But that’s not what this blog is really about.

In life I believe we must always look for the silver linings, try and see the positives in even the most negative...well apart from the obvious benefits of the medication they had a very unusual side effect.

Seems shortly after administering them....I get to do something I have done in almost 9 years......yep that's right. ....FART!

So there it is....my most random of wishes and the thing I missed has finally returned!

You don't know what you've got till its gone. Treasure the little things. The things that make life fun.

In my opinion it's these little things that make you smile...not matter how small, how weird, how insignificant it may seem to others, it's these weird things that make us smile....that make life worth living 😊

Scanxiety...

Hi...so i am fairly sure I have blogged about this before?

Scanxiety is the anxiety brought on by a pending scan or scan results.

It's a term I heard a few years ago. I think it's such a perfect way of describing how you feel when waiting for a scan or scan results.

Well, as I write this I am actually sat in an actually hospital Endoscopy waiting room, waiting for my name to be called.

So you could say my scanxiety is high at the moment.

Now this is a feeling that I felt before. This year is nothing special. (I've had to have this scan at least once a year for the past nine years. In the early days was every 6 months) so it isn't the procedure that I'm anxious about. I know what happens. How it's feels. I won't lie it isn't pleasant but it's over fairly quickly.

I think this year I'm feeling more scanxiety because of the date.

This is the first time I can recall my scan being almost exactly the same time as my first ever scan . I'm also also aware it means the results letter should also arrive around the same time I was diagnosed in February.

Coincidences I am sure. But it doesn't help add to the scanxiety.

In addition as some of you may know I still need a fairly major op to remove my remaining rectal stump. This still has UC and as this developed into cancer before they need to keep an eye on it.

I was told the op must be within 5 years of my original operation. Feb this year is my 9th Cancerversary. So I am also aware I can't delay this operation forever.

People tell you to be positive, that everything will be ok. Think of how much stronger and fitter you are now compared to 9 years ago.

Well 9 years ago I thought I was fine...I feel fine today...What's different?

Anyone that has had to battle cancer and one shoukd agree. You do lose trust in your own body. I didn't know the tumor was there 9 years ago....who is to say there isn't another one hiding there today?

This isnt being negative..just realistic.

It's a worry, a nagging monkey on your shoulder that I think never truely goes away.

So...there it is..scanxiety. I hope you never have to experience it, however, if you do at least you can label it and know that you are not alone.  No one is ever truely alone.