This post may seem unusual as I usually portray I am very comfortable in my own skin, in being an Ostomist....well usually I am but even the strongest amongst us have our more challenging days.
Perhaps its because my training has been interrupted by an injury? Perhaps its because I have used this 'injury' as an excuse and my dietary bad habits have returned? My old nemesis sugar has got its sticky fingers back in my diet!
Either way, Im not feeling at my best at the moment and this usually manifests itself with stoma issues. These aren't always physical challenges but sometimes just my personal physiological perception. These feelings spiral and the negative views of my stoma take over. While my life with a stoma has been improved in so many ways, on the tougher days its just hard to remeber the positives.
Whilst stoma bags dont need changing every day my routine is I change my bag every morning after a shower, it just feels nicer to wear a clean bag? Not sure why?
Anyway a few mornings ago while changing my bag my stoma wasn't behaving. As an Ostomist we have no control over the stoma 'output' it happens when it happens. Today it decided to be temperamental while I had removed the bag. As I sat there looking at the spout of my stoma it just felt surreal? how could this piece of my insides function for the last 8 years on the outside of my body? As I looked at this 'alien' piece of my body in that moment on that day I would've traded almost anything to not have my stoma!
It was strange the feeling blindsided me and I began to feel rather down. Like a wave of depression had washed over me. This feeling stuck with me for a few days. Perhaps as after that moment I had become more aware of it. I felt like the bag was pronounced protruding through my clothing. It wasn't, it hadn't but isn't it weird that when you become aware of something its all that you see and feel? A spot or a blemish seems to be all you can glance at in the mirror. Well imaging that feeling and that how I felt about my stoma for about a week.
It actually took a few days to realize I was in the spiral (easier to spot as I have been here before) before I kicked my arse to snap out of it! I remember all the good things my stoma and this journey have given me. The people I have met, more importantly the people that have stepped up and been there for me when I needed them, people like my wife.
Labeling something as 'depression' sounds a bit dramatic but i guess in a way that one bag change was like a black cloud descending over those few days. Mentally following me and casting a shadow over everything I did.
I guess the real strength is recognizing this 'cloud' and adapting to overcome its challenge.
The title of this blog is is a quote from Charles Darwin's Origin of the species. I felt that this quote covered the context of this blog far more effectively than I ever could.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change
It was strange the feeling blindsided me and I began to feel rather down. Like a wave of depression had washed over me. This feeling stuck with me for a few days. Perhaps as after that moment I had become more aware of it. I felt like the bag was pronounced protruding through my clothing. It wasn't, it hadn't but isn't it weird that when you become aware of something its all that you see and feel? A spot or a blemish seems to be all you can glance at in the mirror. Well imaging that feeling and that how I felt about my stoma for about a week.
It actually took a few days to realize I was in the spiral (easier to spot as I have been here before) before I kicked my arse to snap out of it! I remember all the good things my stoma and this journey have given me. The people I have met, more importantly the people that have stepped up and been there for me when I needed them, people like my wife.
Labeling something as 'depression' sounds a bit dramatic but i guess in a way that one bag change was like a black cloud descending over those few days. Mentally following me and casting a shadow over everything I did.
The title of this blog is is a quote from Charles Darwin's Origin of the species. I felt that this quote covered the context of this blog far more effectively than I ever could.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change
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