May the 4th be with you....Celebrating my geekiness

As many of you who know me or are just friends via social media it is no surprise that I am a geek.  A proud geek!  I do not see the term as an insult.

My geekiness is not defined into one genre i'm into almost anything that I find cool :)

I do have some core loves though.  Marvel, DC and Star wars.  This weekend was a significant date in the Geek Calendar with May 4th and May 5th.....come on you must know what these are by now?

May the 4th be with you......
Return of the 5th........

So this weekend I was presented with a random face book post from a friend who had helped me to celebrate my 10 year all clear with my Samurai Tattoo.  She had posted how she wanted to do a May 4th star wars tattoo and posted a few designs.  One of them really called to me.  A rebellion empire logo split balancing the light and the dark as one.

The subject matter alone should be no surprise why I decided I would get this tattoo on one of the geekiest days of the year.

However.....

Star Wars has more significance in my journey than perhaps people realize.

Over 10 years many of my thoughts and feelings have become unclear.  Lost in the fog of time.  Certain points, certain days, certain incidents however remain crystal!

A few short months after my operation I was still battling with dealing with my Stoma.  Star Wars has one of those points.  Having always been a geek a few friends and I attending the Star Wars convention at the Excel centre in London.  Anyone that has been to any of these events will know just how busy and how much queuing is involved.

You may think queuing...annoying at most? Perhaps..... but as a new Ostomist I also had to deal with my bag for the first time in a busy event with toilets that just couldn't cope.  Leaks and issues were still a regular occurrence and I was still adapting.  Whilst the day is lost in the fog my feelings of anxiety are something I may never forget.  As well as leakage I was also still worried about the sheer volume of people and someone bumping into my stoma.  I took a ruck sack probably full of enough spares and bags for a week rather than a few hours.  Something that today based on what I now do seems ridiculous.

The day passed without incident, a few panicked trips to he toilets to 'check my bag' but no significant issues to report.

So my love of star Wars had forced me outside my comfort zone for the first time since my Ostomy.  Perhaps a more significant day than I realised?

By today's standards I was over prepared over worried.  I am so comfortable with my bag that on occasions my 'spares' are left in the car rarely caring anymore than 1 or 2 spare bags on my person.

So while this tattoo signifies my geekhood like almost all of my tattoos it has a reminder.  A piece of ink to symbolize my journey.  Looking back at myself then in the pictures from the day I barely recognize myself.  A time and an image when I was still trying to balance th light and dark the positive and negatives of my ostomy.

Trying to finish what I started

Over the last year, year and a half I have started so many blogs in my head. So many half blogs. Yet I have never take  virtual pen to paper and written a blog in what feels forever.

I can come up with excuses...to busy no time. 

Reality, honest as I always said I would be in these blogs. My head wasn't in the right headspace. I've never wanted my blogs to be self pity or depressing. I'd always aimed for them to finish on a positive..something to make you think.

Truth is being positive has been a real struggle. It's no secret I've had some mental health challenges along with the usual health challenges..but this has been different.

Just not feeling...well...not feeling me..not feeling myself How stupid does that sound. Who else could I feel? Who else could I be? It's also really hard to quantify.

So today I forced myself to write this blog.

I think alot has changed. My life a few years ago was busy...very busy....the probably too busy. My life seemed to revolve around my stoma. Charity stuff, advocate talks. On reflection it began to feel like ibwas just on a ride. I'd started to feel I'd lost control of my own life. It had become too complex? To be honest I'm finding it hard to explain.

Well here I am. Trying to return to something I enjoyed and that started as therapy. Perhaps its the piece that is missing? Perhaps I've run out of excuses?

Good news is...still haven't run out of things to talk about!

MUDBAGRUNNER is back.....again lol

THE MUDBAGRUNNER IS BACK!!!

seems apt that I decide to start blogging again today. It's probably been 2 years since I can say ive really been an active blogger....and wow what a roller coaster 2 years its been!!!

So what's prompted it today? Today is my 11 year anniversary of being told I'd survived cancer. I paused as I write that as wasn't sure if it use beaten rather than saved.

However, today I feel survived is more appropriate. 

I was lucky my 'battle' really came after my all clear. The battle for normality. The mental and physical battle to try and return to a normal life.

Only issue is when I forget normality is an illusion.

Anyway the MUDBAGRUNNER is back.....blogging will return. I've actually really missed it.

What is a Stoma.....Top 10 (well #11 actually)

Once again I find myself starting a bog with the excuse that I haven't had the time to write one.  So lets get that out of the way first.

2016 sucked!  2015 was full of so many cool things, so I guess 2016 had a tough job before it even got started.  2016 tested me physically, mentally and emotionally.  The subjects of a few blogs to come.

So I logged into my site after a few months and was amazed.  How had I managed to still get hits on my blog?  I hadn't shared anything on any of my social media for some time...so how did that happen?

2100+ hits on just one of my blogs, and old one at that!

The great thing about Blogspot is you can track the location of the hit.  It seemed that i was getting hits from google.  So i thought I would check it out.

WOW! Im not sure how but if you type in what is a Stoma...I'm on the first page of the google search.  Now I know that companies pay alot to google to make sure that certain key words show their sites on searches.  I haven't done this.  It seems my blog, my page has organically creeped its way into the top 10 (well 11 actually)

To think that like me when someone is told they will soon have a stoma, that they will soon have an Ostomy like me they first turn to the web.  Its great to think that unlike me they will now be met with a number of positive sites and not pages and pages of doom and gloom.  And just under McMillan there it is... it all my humble little blog :)

I know these searches are dynamic and I will not be on the first page fro long, but, if that isnt a reason to start writing again, I am not sure what is!

A lose of trust

So as per my last post the end of 2016 has been full of challenges. The most recent being gall stones!

Being me nothing is simple. As if gall stones were not enough of a problem. One of them had moved outside the gall bladder and became blocked in a bile duct. This stopped my liver from functioning properly...I promptly turned yellow. My liver dumping toxins into my blood. It wasn't great!

I don't know enough about gall stones what causes them or to bore you with the details of my pending gall bladder removal. One side effect of this most recent health 'blip' was an unexpected one.

During the weeks, months and years that followed my diagnosis with cancer one thing that I struggled with in the darker nights was the loss of trust in my own body.

In life we learn at an early age that rust is something that must be earned, but that it can also be lost as quickly. We expect to lose trust in things even people.  However the one thing that we do not expect is to lose trust in ourselves. To lose trust in our own bodies. If we can't trust ourselves who can we trust?

My recent admission to hosital reignited these feelings. I have once again lost trust in my body. If you have never experienced this feeling then I bet you are reading this thinking I am just being dramatic....I don't know maybe I am? Regardless this is how I feel. 

I feel like once again my body has let me down. As I thought about writing this blog I thought I would have more to say...seems I am struggling.

When I went for my checkups even months after my all clear...I still felt.what if? What if they missed something. Stupidly these thoughts have come flooding back.

It's been confirmed I have gall stones, I mean they have even removed one. Yet I am sat here thinking...what if.....what if during this fairly routine procedure,  something happens?  Something more sinister is found.

Fear isn't based on logic and neither is this thought.  I logically know this. Yet there it is.  This is probably exaggerated by my anxiety. It's been tough. My armour is once again being tested.

Strangely these blogs have always helped. Helped getting some of this randomness out of my head.  Perhaps the fact I haven't kept up with them also has its part to play.

Who knows, but I think this is the catalyst to start blogging again.....silver lining perhaps? This blog has opened more doors and allowed me to meet some very special people. Perhaps it is what has been missing?

Time to rectify that....you have been warned!

2016 a challenging year

So here it is a looong overdue mudbagrunner blog post!

I'd usually make excuses that life has been too busy, that I haven't had time to blog.  In this instance that would be horse shit!

The reason I haven't blogged is far more pathetic. When I started writing these blogs I promised myself they would not be moaning or covered in self pity.  So the reason I haven't blogged is because I haven't been in the right head space.  I won't lie. I've written posts. But posts that will NEVER be shared. Never be posted. Tbh I have just deleted them. This blog is not written to be read and pity the writter.

But let's be realistic.....2016, hasn't been easy. The year started with alot of challenges, work, life you name it. Even my Cancerversary & stomaversary seemed tougher this year? Again so many things happened inthe early parts of this year, many that will probably never share.

All the positives that ended 2015 on a high seemed to be washed away. Was that it? Did I over achieve in 2015? Is this the cosmos trying to realign? I'd like to think so. But..I think shit just happens!

Things continued to get darker. I couldn't handle life. Pressures at work became too much. I tried to do what I do best. I tried to deal with it myself. Be the superheroes I idolise. This time I couldn't. I began to spiral further. I reached a point where I hit rock bottom. I didn't recognise who or like who I saw in the mirror. I became a split person. I had two sides. The front I put on for the world and the mess I was in my own head. Like some weird Batman villain...2 face except not good nd evil. More happy and sad? *always a geek though :)

My issue...my saviour. My armour.  Something I relied on in my tougher times was actually working against me. I looked like everything was ok. I needed someone to see through that armour of mine, someone to see I was struggling. Seems my armour was too good.

Things got worse, I broke a front tooth, I knew my teeth were bad, but I knew this was worse. As feared no way to cap. My first denture. My depression deepened. Work reamained busy, pressure increased, life got tougher.

Then it happened....I broke!  Physically, mentally, entirely. I began having panic attacks, pains, difficulty breathing. I'd never really understood mental health. I'd always sucked it up and got on with it. I was empty, I had no way to move forward. I crashed completely, physically, mentally entirely!

It's taken me a lost the entire year for this decent to happen. I'm not out of the darkness yet. Hitting a new rock bottom meant i looked for help. This came in many forms. The most powerful of which was admitting I needed help. I'd been in denial admitting defeat was tough.  The toughest thing i think ive ever done.

Things had become that bad I needed professional help. Councelling and medication. I've always tried to avoid relying on medication. It took me some time but the medication helped. It gave me capacity to deal with normal life pressures. I'd become so incapable of dealing with even the smallest issues at this stage.

So here I am you'd think even without sharing all that really happened things couldn't get worse. Seems my body had been affected in more ways than I knew. I'd developed gall stones. The fatigue and pains probably were more than I'd realised?

The rest is another blog. Bile duct blockage, risk of liver failure, hospitalisation and the news another piece of me needs to be removed. This saga however continues. I could write a book on this!

So here it is my first blog for some time. Here it is and I am breaking one of my personal blogging rules. Right now I can't finish on a high. There isn't any clever way I'm going to finish this post. And you know what, that's fine. Life doesn't always fall into the perfect blog. Doesn't always fish with a positive. Like life, this blog isn't quite finished yet.

Hey,who knew! Pulled a semi positive finish out of the bag anyway!

Think of them less as seflies...more as alonies

So those of you that know me know that on social media I post a few pics.  Many of these are selfies.  It’s a bit of a standing joke amongst many of my friends that if I haven’t posted one in a few days I must be ill.

As per my last blog things have been a bit tough lately.  Its during a similar conversation that I decided maybe it was time to write this blog.  Not justifying anything, as ultimately I do what I want.  I am not dictated by the expectation of others.  Especially on social media. Its my page. Ill moan rant or post as many selfies as I like.  If they do not like them….delete me.  You have a choice!

Anyway slightly off topic. So why so many selfies?

Many of you I did not have the pleasure of meeting till after my surgery, after my recovery.  For those that didn’t before 2007 I was approx. 9st.  I always looked ill (I can see that now though couldn’t at the time) and ultimately I didn’t like the way I looked.

The mid 20’s version of me was not happy with the way he looked.  I was pale, black rings around my eyes and skinny.  I was rarely happy with my appearance.

Hard to believe with the amount of pics I post now huh?

Well that is exactly my point!  Apart from the usual exceptions I believe that many people post pictures of themselves or take selfies as at one point in their life they have not been happy with how they look.  Whether that’s due to illness, weight loss/gain or another factor.

The reason I post selfies is I remember these times…vividly.  And when I see a picture of myself from a race or feel particularly good in what I am wearing I post a selfie.  A quiet nod to myself that no matter how I felt in the past that is the past.

During the first few years after my operation this was still the case.  I look back at pictures from 2008 and beyond and all I see if my bag.  I’m not going to lie I often look at recent pictures and instinctively I look to see if my bag is visible.

Even now when I see some pictures if I am in a half empty mood I still don’t like the way I look.  My missing tooth or receding hair line often the cause.

Please do not misread read this blog as an excuse or a cry for pity.  It isn’t.  What is it then?  Just an insight into my life, into me.  After all this is why I started writing these blogs in the first place.

So next time you see someone post a selfie perhaps think that maybe this isn’t there ego that prompted this post but perhaps just a flashback to times when they weren’t so happy about the way they looked.

So there you go. Next time you see someone post a selfie....maybe look at it in a different perspective?