So here it is a looong overdue mudbagrunner blog post!
I'd usually make excuses that life has been too busy, that I haven't had time to blog. In this instance that would be horse shit!
The reason I haven't blogged is far more pathetic. When I started writing these blogs I promised myself they would not be moaning or covered in self pity. So the reason I haven't blogged is because I haven't been in the right head space. I won't lie. I've written posts. But posts that will NEVER be shared. Never be posted. Tbh I have just deleted them. This blog is not written to be read and pity the writter.
But let's be realistic.....2016, hasn't been easy. The year started with alot of challenges, work, life you name it. Even my Cancerversary & stomaversary seemed tougher this year? Again so many things happened inthe early parts of this year, many that will probably never share.
All the positives that ended 2015 on a high seemed to be washed away. Was that it? Did I over achieve in 2015? Is this the cosmos trying to realign? I'd like to think so. But..I think shit just happens!
Things continued to get darker. I couldn't handle life. Pressures at work became too much. I tried to do what I do best. I tried to deal with it myself. Be the superheroes I idolise. This time I couldn't. I began to spiral further. I reached a point where I hit rock bottom. I didn't recognise who or like who I saw in the mirror. I became a split person. I had two sides. The front I put on for the world and the mess I was in my own head. Like some weird Batman villain...2 face except not good nd evil. More happy and sad? *always a geek though :)
My issue...my saviour. My armour. Something I relied on in my tougher times was actually working against me. I looked like everything was ok. I needed someone to see through that armour of mine, someone to see I was struggling. Seems my armour was too good.
Things got worse, I broke a front tooth, I knew my teeth were bad, but I knew this was worse. As feared no way to cap. My first denture. My depression deepened. Work reamained busy, pressure increased, life got tougher.
Then it happened....I broke! Physically, mentally, entirely. I began having panic attacks, pains, difficulty breathing. I'd never really understood mental health. I'd always sucked it up and got on with it. I was empty, I had no way to move forward. I crashed completely, physically, mentally entirely!
It's taken me a lost the entire year for this decent to happen. I'm not out of the darkness yet. Hitting a new rock bottom meant i looked for help. This came in many forms. The most powerful of which was admitting I needed help. I'd been in denial admitting defeat was tough. The toughest thing i think ive ever done.
Things had become that bad I needed professional help. Councelling and medication. I've always tried to avoid relying on medication. It took me some time but the medication helped. It gave me capacity to deal with normal life pressures. I'd become so incapable of dealing with even the smallest issues at this stage.
So here I am you'd think even without sharing all that really happened things couldn't get worse. Seems my body had been affected in more ways than I knew. I'd developed gall stones. The fatigue and pains probably were more than I'd realised?
The rest is another blog. Bile duct blockage, risk of liver failure, hospitalisation and the news another piece of me needs to be removed. This saga however continues. I could write a book on this!
So here it is my first blog for some time. Here it is and I am breaking one of my personal blogging rules. Right now I can't finish on a high. There isn't any clever way I'm going to finish this post. And you know what, that's fine. Life doesn't always fall into the perfect blog. Doesn't always fish with a positive. Like life, this blog isn't quite finished yet.
Hey,who knew! Pulled a semi positive finish out of the bag anyway!
