MUDBAGRUNNER is back.....again lol

THE MUDBAGRUNNER IS BACK!!!

seems apt that I decide to start blogging again today. It's probably been 2 years since I can say ive really been an active blogger....and wow what a roller coaster 2 years its been!!!

So what's prompted it today? Today is my 11 year anniversary of being told I'd survived cancer. I paused as I write that as wasn't sure if it use beaten rather than saved.

However, today I feel survived is more appropriate. 

I was lucky my 'battle' really came after my all clear. The battle for normality. The mental and physical battle to try and return to a normal life.

Only issue is when I forget normality is an illusion.

Anyway the MUDBAGRUNNER is back.....blogging will return. I've actually really missed it.

What is a Stoma.....Top 10 (well #11 actually)

Once again I find myself starting a bog with the excuse that I haven't had the time to write one.  So lets get that out of the way first.

2016 sucked!  2015 was full of so many cool things, so I guess 2016 had a tough job before it even got started.  2016 tested me physically, mentally and emotionally.  The subjects of a few blogs to come.

So I logged into my site after a few months and was amazed.  How had I managed to still get hits on my blog?  I hadn't shared anything on any of my social media for some time...so how did that happen?

2100+ hits on just one of my blogs, and old one at that!

The great thing about Blogspot is you can track the location of the hit.  It seemed that i was getting hits from google.  So i thought I would check it out.

WOW! Im not sure how but if you type in what is a Stoma...I'm on the first page of the google search.  Now I know that companies pay alot to google to make sure that certain key words show their sites on searches.  I haven't done this.  It seems my blog, my page has organically creeped its way into the top 10 (well 11 actually)

To think that like me when someone is told they will soon have a stoma, that they will soon have an Ostomy like me they first turn to the web.  Its great to think that unlike me they will now be met with a number of positive sites and not pages and pages of doom and gloom.  And just under McMillan there it is... it all my humble little blog :)

I know these searches are dynamic and I will not be on the first page fro long, but, if that isnt a reason to start writing again, I am not sure what is!

A lose of trust

So as per my last post the end of 2016 has been full of challenges. The most recent being gall stones!

Being me nothing is simple. As if gall stones were not enough of a problem. One of them had moved outside the gall bladder and became blocked in a bile duct. This stopped my liver from functioning properly...I promptly turned yellow. My liver dumping toxins into my blood. It wasn't great!

I don't know enough about gall stones what causes them or to bore you with the details of my pending gall bladder removal. One side effect of this most recent health 'blip' was an unexpected one.

During the weeks, months and years that followed my diagnosis with cancer one thing that I struggled with in the darker nights was the loss of trust in my own body.

In life we learn at an early age that rust is something that must be earned, but that it can also be lost as quickly. We expect to lose trust in things even people.  However the one thing that we do not expect is to lose trust in ourselves. To lose trust in our own bodies. If we can't trust ourselves who can we trust?

My recent admission to hosital reignited these feelings. I have once again lost trust in my body. If you have never experienced this feeling then I bet you are reading this thinking I am just being dramatic....I don't know maybe I am? Regardless this is how I feel. 

I feel like once again my body has let me down. As I thought about writing this blog I thought I would have more to say...seems I am struggling.

When I went for my checkups even months after my all clear...I still felt.what if? What if they missed something. Stupidly these thoughts have come flooding back.

It's been confirmed I have gall stones, I mean they have even removed one. Yet I am sat here thinking...what if.....what if during this fairly routine procedure,  something happens?  Something more sinister is found.

Fear isn't based on logic and neither is this thought.  I logically know this. Yet there it is.  This is probably exaggerated by my anxiety. It's been tough. My armour is once again being tested.

Strangely these blogs have always helped. Helped getting some of this randomness out of my head.  Perhaps the fact I haven't kept up with them also has its part to play.

Who knows, but I think this is the catalyst to start blogging again.....silver lining perhaps? This blog has opened more doors and allowed me to meet some very special people. Perhaps it is what has been missing?

Time to rectify that....you have been warned!

2016 a challenging year

So here it is a looong overdue mudbagrunner blog post!

I'd usually make excuses that life has been too busy, that I haven't had time to blog.  In this instance that would be horse shit!

The reason I haven't blogged is far more pathetic. When I started writing these blogs I promised myself they would not be moaning or covered in self pity.  So the reason I haven't blogged is because I haven't been in the right head space.  I won't lie. I've written posts. But posts that will NEVER be shared. Never be posted. Tbh I have just deleted them. This blog is not written to be read and pity the writter.

But let's be realistic.....2016, hasn't been easy. The year started with alot of challenges, work, life you name it. Even my Cancerversary & stomaversary seemed tougher this year? Again so many things happened inthe early parts of this year, many that will probably never share.

All the positives that ended 2015 on a high seemed to be washed away. Was that it? Did I over achieve in 2015? Is this the cosmos trying to realign? I'd like to think so. But..I think shit just happens!

Things continued to get darker. I couldn't handle life. Pressures at work became too much. I tried to do what I do best. I tried to deal with it myself. Be the superheroes I idolise. This time I couldn't. I began to spiral further. I reached a point where I hit rock bottom. I didn't recognise who or like who I saw in the mirror. I became a split person. I had two sides. The front I put on for the world and the mess I was in my own head. Like some weird Batman villain...2 face except not good nd evil. More happy and sad? *always a geek though :)

My issue...my saviour. My armour.  Something I relied on in my tougher times was actually working against me. I looked like everything was ok. I needed someone to see through that armour of mine, someone to see I was struggling. Seems my armour was too good.

Things got worse, I broke a front tooth, I knew my teeth were bad, but I knew this was worse. As feared no way to cap. My first denture. My depression deepened. Work reamained busy, pressure increased, life got tougher.

Then it happened....I broke!  Physically, mentally, entirely. I began having panic attacks, pains, difficulty breathing. I'd never really understood mental health. I'd always sucked it up and got on with it. I was empty, I had no way to move forward. I crashed completely, physically, mentally entirely!

It's taken me a lost the entire year for this decent to happen. I'm not out of the darkness yet. Hitting a new rock bottom meant i looked for help. This came in many forms. The most powerful of which was admitting I needed help. I'd been in denial admitting defeat was tough.  The toughest thing i think ive ever done.

Things had become that bad I needed professional help. Councelling and medication. I've always tried to avoid relying on medication. It took me some time but the medication helped. It gave me capacity to deal with normal life pressures. I'd become so incapable of dealing with even the smallest issues at this stage.

So here I am you'd think even without sharing all that really happened things couldn't get worse. Seems my body had been affected in more ways than I knew. I'd developed gall stones. The fatigue and pains probably were more than I'd realised?

The rest is another blog. Bile duct blockage, risk of liver failure, hospitalisation and the news another piece of me needs to be removed. This saga however continues. I could write a book on this!

So here it is my first blog for some time. Here it is and I am breaking one of my personal blogging rules. Right now I can't finish on a high. There isn't any clever way I'm going to finish this post. And you know what, that's fine. Life doesn't always fall into the perfect blog. Doesn't always fish with a positive. Like life, this blog isn't quite finished yet.

Hey,who knew! Pulled a semi positive finish out of the bag anyway!

Think of them less as seflies...more as alonies

So those of you that know me know that on social media I post a few pics.  Many of these are selfies.  It’s a bit of a standing joke amongst many of my friends that if I haven’t posted one in a few days I must be ill.

As per my last blog things have been a bit tough lately.  Its during a similar conversation that I decided maybe it was time to write this blog.  Not justifying anything, as ultimately I do what I want.  I am not dictated by the expectation of others.  Especially on social media. Its my page. Ill moan rant or post as many selfies as I like.  If they do not like them….delete me.  You have a choice!

Anyway slightly off topic. So why so many selfies?

Many of you I did not have the pleasure of meeting till after my surgery, after my recovery.  For those that didn’t before 2007 I was approx. 9st.  I always looked ill (I can see that now though couldn’t at the time) and ultimately I didn’t like the way I looked.

The mid 20’s version of me was not happy with the way he looked.  I was pale, black rings around my eyes and skinny.  I was rarely happy with my appearance.

Hard to believe with the amount of pics I post now huh?

Well that is exactly my point!  Apart from the usual exceptions I believe that many people post pictures of themselves or take selfies as at one point in their life they have not been happy with how they look.  Whether that’s due to illness, weight loss/gain or another factor.

The reason I post selfies is I remember these times…vividly.  And when I see a picture of myself from a race or feel particularly good in what I am wearing I post a selfie.  A quiet nod to myself that no matter how I felt in the past that is the past.

During the first few years after my operation this was still the case.  I look back at pictures from 2008 and beyond and all I see if my bag.  I’m not going to lie I often look at recent pictures and instinctively I look to see if my bag is visible.

Even now when I see some pictures if I am in a half empty mood I still don’t like the way I look.  My missing tooth or receding hair line often the cause.

Please do not misread read this blog as an excuse or a cry for pity.  It isn’t.  What is it then?  Just an insight into my life, into me.  After all this is why I started writing these blogs in the first place.

So next time you see someone post a selfie perhaps think that maybe this isn’t there ego that prompted this post but perhaps just a flashback to times when they weren’t so happy about the way they looked.

So there you go. Next time you see someone post a selfie....maybe look at it in a different perspective?

The last date in a month that didn't feel like it was gonna end

So today is my anniversary of being given the cancer 'all clear'.

Im sure you agree a significant day in anyone's calendar. If your reading this then you know that this year, this month has been tough.  In fairness mostly work related pressures and stress

I'm not sure if it's because of this but today is another day of weird mixed emotions.

I am obviously thankful every day that while intense my journey/battle was quick. From diagnosis to operation to 'all clear' was only a few short months.

However, here also lies the challenge and I think the reason for the mixed emotions.

I want to add this isnt feeling im just having just this year (as I have said this before just I am unsure if it's been in a blog?)

I feel like I have 'cheated' cancer. I bet you just read that and thought WTF!?!?

What I mean is due to my 'lucky' diagnosis I did not have to deal with chemo or radio therapy.  I don't recall the specifics of when I was diagnosed. That day is full of disorganised flash backs that are hard to piece together. But I do recall after having my operation date I went to the hairdressers and had my head shaved.

A knee jerk reaction to a stereotypical assumption that because I had cancer I'd need chemo and loose my hear anyway.

For those of us that have had no experience with the Big C, we are almost conditioned to hear that word and visualise an image of someone in a hospital bed, grey with no hair surrounded by bleeping machines.  Well let me break that stereotype now. That is often far from the case!

I now know people that have undergone treatment or are undergoing it as we speak that are far from this stereotype!

Anyway...even after all these years being fitter, healthier and checked on a regular basis I still have that nagging feeling.

Did they miss something?
Has it laid dormant? 
Will it come back?
Has it come back?
On days where I have 'flare ups' these thoughts become louder.

So yes....today is a day I am eternally humbled for. That I needed no further treatment, that my real recovery could begin.

Then someone (sorry can't recall who so if you are reading this and it was you..thanks and sorry )

Why should I feel like I cheated cancer just because I didn't have chemo? Chemo has a treatment schedule. It has a start and a finish date. Hopefully resulting in terms same result. You are given the all clear.

Instead of chemo being my cure...my ostomy operation was. 

Except that rather than a 'course' start and end date. This cure would be with me forever. A daily reminder of that day.

That's not staying a stoma is better or worse or that people who have chemo treatment are more or less fortunate.  It's just an observation about how silly it is that I feel like I cheated cancer by not having these stereotypical treatments.

My stoma was my cure. It's because of it that I am able to celebrate this day. It's because of my stoma I am fitter stronger and happier than ever.

So today is a day to not only celebrate my all cancer 'all clear'.... but also to be grateful for my stoma.

This piece of me that I continue to have a Love Hate relationship with.  The good news is as the years tick by the relationship is more Love than hate.

Do not underestimate stress and anxiety

So...what a week.

I can honestly say I'm glad it's over!

It's been a week of EXTREME highs and lows. My stomaversary being mid week almost symbolised the hump of this roller coaster week.

Today was the lowest for some time. I was already stressed at work....I mean really stressed. Some small incident sent me into a downwards spiral of self pity, doubt and anxiety.

For those who have never experienced this type of emotional overload...I'll try and explain.

It's like your logical/sensible part of you, you know that little voice of reason, that voice that tells you to chill, stop being a feckin idiot...well he is locked away.  Instead our irrational emotions take control

You start to feel and think things that normally you wouldn't.  Overanalysing everything. Ever comment made or not made. Unfortunately always with a negative spin. So begins the vicious cycle.

When feeling like this...no matter what someone tells you....you don't believe it. It's like all logic is ignored.

Seriously you can almost hear your little rational voice trying to tell you to think, chill out...man the fuck up your making things worse! But your irrational anxiety is just louder, drowning out all the filters that normally stop you going off the deep end!

It makes you do and say things to people, people that you care for, people you love that you normally wouldn't.  Seriously it's like you become a completely different person.  Even though people are trying to reassure you, you don't listen...even if what they are saying makes perfect sense.

Fortunately along my journey I've developed some tricks (where my love of Neuro Linguistic Programming  'NLP' began) to try and get me back to a level....sensible self. Today I just struggled a bit more than normal. Unfortunately it meant I was 'irrational' for longer than I should of been today.

I have no excuses for my actions today....for the way I reacted. In fact I'm a bit embarrassed by it. I hate getting emotional when I have no real reason.

Don't misunderstand me....I'm actually kinda proud that I'm not a completely heartless bastard. I'm a heart on my sleeve kinda guy. I mean cumon you've hopefully read some of my blogs. I call it as I see and feel it. 

However, what this means is that when I have a 'blip' it's usually a bad one. Today was.

Now my rational voice has taken over I feel like a complete goon! I almost take a step backwards worrying about how I'd felt earlier in the day.

I wish it didn't but I have had plenty of these days. Work stress was definately the trigger. Trouble is I seem to deflect in other areas to the cause of the stress.

Part of the battle is being aware....part of the trouble in being me is....I'm a softie. I care, I worry. I'm probably too nice?

Probably care more than I should about things that I shouldn't. So after I've had an episode I beat myself up on how I acted. How I may of upset people around me, those I care for. I'm also a worrier....Apparently I get that from my mum 😉 xx

But hey...noone is perfect....Let's say it's my one flaw 😂😂😂
*that's a joke btw